Do you remember that childhood feeling when your friend’s cupboard was always stocked with brand-name sweets, while your house would turn off the lights in every empty room? When you only bought new shoes when your old ones were truly beyond repair, and your mother rinsed yogurt cups with extraordinary care?
Many of us carried a silent, stinging shame in our hearts for years. As children, we interpreted these behaviours as a signal: “I’m worse. I have less. We can’t afford normality.” This childhood definition of poverty often stemmed not from actual hunger, but from painful comparisons to the colourful world of advertising and peers.
The Mechanism of Childhood Shame
For a child, the world is black and white. If a parent refuses to buy another toy or clothing item, saying, “We don’t need this,” the child hears, “You’re not important enough to have it.” This “economic cleverness” of our parents (thrift, repairing instead of throwing away, wisely managing resources) was, to us, the little observers, proof of failure.
Today, as adults, we often fall into two traps:
📍 Retaliatory overconsumption: We buy everything we can afford (and can’t afford) to cover up for that child who felt lacking.
📍 Paralyzing fear: We’re afraid to spend money even on basic needs because we constantly feel the breath of “lack” on our backs.
Cleverness that was love
In retrospect (and with the help of someone who will listen to your story), we can see something different. What we took for poverty was often an impressive lesson in respect for the world and work.
Your parents, caring for every penny, every lightbulb, and every slice of bread, didn’t do it to shame you. They did it to keep you safe. It was their form of care, building stability in an uncertain world. What you called poverty was a survival strategy and the wisdom that allowed you to get through difficult times without debt and chaos.
How to demystify this story?
In my work with adult children from “frugal homes,” we often search together for forgiveness… for ourselves (for the shame) and for our parents (for their strictness).
Notice your shame: Admit to yourself that you felt inferior. It wasn’t your fault; that’s how a child saw it.
Change the definition: Try replacing the word “poverty” with “mindfulness.” Was your mother mending your favorite pants an expression of the time and attention she devoted to you?
Find the golden mean: You no longer have to prove anything by buying expensive gadgets. Your worth doesn’t depend on how much you own, but on how kind you are to yourself.
If you feel that the history of your family home still holds you in its grip and influences how you treat yourself and your finances today, I invite you to talk. Together we can find in your past not only the shortcomings, but also the strength that will allow you to build a life of abundance, especially the inner one.
Beata 🤗